I am totally overwhelmed today! Emotionally, physically, and mentally! Spiritually I’m good with God but still totally overwhelmed by everything else this topic includes….

Work is totally driving me crazy! I have so many deadlines and I’m just overwhelmed at how to meet them and train two people in fiscal year end process! Then there is the subject of office politics, with a new employee – all the people that like the newbee and all those that don’t! What that entails and how I get in the middle is NO fun!!! Other work related nightmare questions: When is my raise really gonna come? How much I hate traffic! How much I hate wearing long sleeves! Am I ever really gonna make a difference? Does non-profit status really mean anything more than not paying taxes!? Some are age old questions, so have been in my working life since day one, others really could have the light at the end of the tunnel coming close! Oh, and then there’s the subject of a new computer! Yes, my boss and another gave me a PC for my home. After I explained how much I hate technology and how much I refuse to work at home! So now what, I’ve got a personal computer in my car and all I want is for it to back in the office and away from my personal life. I know, I’ve got to talk to my boss about it today! But if you know me, you should know I hate confrontation!!! I’m willing to do it when necessary but it freaks me out!

Emotionally, gosh I’m pretty f#&ked right now! Loosing Allie is most likely really starting to affect me now. I know I can call her and e-mail her but it’s not the same as going to the Harbor with A’s fried zucchini and talking about everything! I really need a night like that with her, today!!! Then there’s all my other friend relationships, figuring them out, working them out, making time to see everyone. There just isn’t enough time in my life to do it all! I know that, but I care so much about people that I hate not being able to spend more time with a lot of people. Of course then, there’s all the emotional healing that’s taken place in the last year with my prayer man and that’s just confused me more in times like this because I want to shut down. I want to break down! I want to be a mess on the floor listening to Trent! I know how to handle that! Even when it gets out of control there was grace in it! But I know I’ve been called to something new now – FREEDOM. In so many ways, the Lord has freed me but it’s so weird to figure out how to handle these times of overwhelm in light of this new freedom. So I continue on… sure something will work out. But feeling too numb. I don’t like numb but I haven’t figure out how to feel with all this so sometimes I just feel totally turned off…

Physically overwhelmed – that’s just the obviousness that it’s gotta be that time of the month or something… AND I’m always gonna want eat better, work out, etc.

Spiritually, I sure don’t have enough time in this lunch hour to write this all out but I can say our Church Community is really affecting my spirituality! God and Me - we’re working it out! But the community has gone through such a hard year and it’s really starting to confuse me! We’ve tried to tackle so many huge things and been so successful at building community, yet… Yet, so many are moving away! I feel like so many are bailing out! I’m committed – sure I don’t know how long I’ll be physically in Southern California – But really no one really knows how long they’ll be on earth! So my commitment today, should equal my commitment for NOW! Which I would love to see and here and FEEL from others! What do we want, what do we need, what should Sunday look like, who should lead, when should we meet, what color is Todd’s hair (J/K) – none of those things really matter but we’ve got to come to some kind of working decisions – otherwise the run away method is the only way! I’m not saying that others that have left are running away, if fact I have felt and seen the hand of God in so many of those movements. But what about the rest of us! We’re just a rag tag group! AND WHAT BETTER GROUP CAN GOD USE BUT A RAG TAG GROUP! I totally believe it I just feel a lot of the pain, confusion, irritation, etc. that goes with all of this….

So no conclusions for me today. Just needed to vent! (feel a bit better)
VB

I should meditate on this one today:
The heart of God loves a persevering worshiper who, though overwhelmed by many troubles, is overwhelmed even more by the beauty of God!

I sometimes think I’ll work through lunch and just eat at my desk… But then I start looking around on the net and all is lost!

Wow, where to start? It’s been a month off bloging and much as happened! And it was my birthday month! Let’s try a re-cap of main events:

8/1 – Renewed my Disneyland Annual pass. Went with Allie, Candice, Sarah, and Lisa.
8/2 – Lunch and Movie for Candice’s b-day. Movie seriously disturbed me – dirty pretty things! Worship at Aliso Viejo. Dinner and movie with Allie
8/3 – Mom’s craft show. Coffee and Lunch with Blake, Katie, Allie, Heather, Zack, and Joe. Took Candice to see Susan Vega at Downtown Disney – great opening act, too.
8/4 – Dinner with mom, dropped by Candice and Jodi’s and finished Allie’s book
8/5 – Tonya’s b-day. Dropped mom off at airport.
8/6 – Disneyland with Joe and Allie
8/7 – Hung out with the Dawn and Joe. Chat with Jodi.
8/8 – Allie’s going away party. Drama (but I wasn’t involved that God)!
8/9 – Dave’s house
8/10 – Party at the Adam’s Family house. Movie at Heather and Zack’s with Allie.
8/11 – Ocean Stupid Ranch with Allie, Heather, and Zack. Man I hate that place! Thank you God that I don’t hang out there any more!!!
8/12 – Ocean Stupid Ranch with Allie, Heather, and Zack. Then on to Target with Joe and Astro, too.
8/13 – Dinner and movie with everyone for Allie’s last night in SC! Yes, my best friend moved away to San Francisco without me!
8/14 – Jodi, Jen, and Candice took me out to keep me occupied. Cried myself to sleep about Allie moving!
8/15 – Girls sent me flowers to cheer me up! Movie with Jodi, Jen and Candice.
8/16 – Lalapalooza! My Perry spun for me! Great up close pictures of Perry! Amazing Jane’s presentation! Sat with Bill for Incubus set.
8/17 – Message group. Lunch with Tori and Susan. Aurthur Farm for community get together.
8/18 – Candice to me to the Blue Bayou for my birthday! Great food! Great atmosphere! Great company! Amazing that she remembered and surprised me! In my 26 years of loving Disneyland I had never eaten there!
8/19 – Rabbit Hole
8/20 – Jimmy Kimmel Live with Jodi to see Dave Gahan.
8/21 – The Violet Femmes with Candice, Jodi, Jen, and Tim for my B-day!
8/22 – Lunch with mum for my b-day! Cute waiter called me princess! Mom gave me Beautiful vase, more records, and The Land of the Lost lunch box, on top of already buying my Pearl Jam ticket! Jodi and Candice made me dinner and then I opened presents. Then a few people came over for the Neverending Story movie Viv’s B-day get together.
8/23 – Help Joe, Dawn, and Elijah move. We to my dad’s grave to talk to him about my grandmother dying the week before. Movie with Candice, Charles and his friend. Tommy forgot to take a message!
8/24 - Bats Silly Day at Disneyland. Laundry at mom’s.
8/25 – Went to Dave Gahan with Jodi at the Wiltern. Stopped by Dave’s after.
8/26 – Rabbit Hole
8/27 – Lunch with Erin. Wrote a good-bye letter
8/28 – Prayer man! Harbor! MTV lame Awards and Tori Amos with Jodi, Candice, and Kelly.
8/29 – Sister and family came into town. We all just ate and hung out at mom’s.
8/30 – Took my nieces to see Freaky Friday, Fashion Island and Laguna Hills mall. Dinner with friends and family. My sister, her boyfriend and the girls gave me a DVD/VHS player for my birthday! Holy Crap!
8/31 – Message group. Family pool party at my Uncle’s house. Orange Street fair. Drank much! Meet a stupid boy! Kelly and I made up our own Jigs! Trash-ie bar after for more fun. Then High Fidelity with Candice, Jodi, Kelly, and the boys.

That’s just the basics, too. All in all I am blessed!!!!! I have many feelings... I'll post those later!