I’m feeling really disconnected today and not at all in the mood to work. (Relax, I’m on lunch, so I’m not currently stealing from the non-profit I work for.) My e-mails been down for a week now… last week was ok, because I was too busy at work to notice but this week I realize my e-mail helps me to not feel trapped at work. I love little updates and reminders and family and friends dropping lines…
I think I’m feeling disconnect to my extended community, too. And I’m sure God. Lets start with the extended community…
We’re in the 5th month without Todd and Deb and the kid-o’s I love - that sucks! Life without Leann sucks, too! And then the hell that is ‘transition’ time at ‘church’ – that sucks! I really feel like we are finally pulling out of the ditch we had to sink into with all those suckie things, but I guess I’m just so afraid of where we’ll all end up. We’ve had so many people come and go in the past three years but they tended to be the Todd Hunter Look-ie-loo’s. And we welcomed them and let them go when they stopped showing up. I realized it made me wait to get close to visitors but I never stopped being me and opening up to the entire group as a whole. If you visited, you got the real ‘group’ me, but I didn’t always get to know the real you. Was that bad, maybe but that is not the point. The point is I’m afraid the people I DID get close to are gonna take off. And it shouldn’t matter if I don’t see them at some regular meeting but it is really hard to try and keep 30+ people in your life who don’t attend the same regular meeting, especially when your life was already full to begin with… So again is this proof that 30+ groups are still too big? Maybe? Also, it makes me try to get my head around letting people be, letting people go, but also wanting to see if things should change so they can stay…? I want to really share my life with others and I knew getting into this that not everyone would opt in for that… guess it’s just harder than I thought, even when I was expecting it to be hard. Change sucks! But we all know that! Hum…
Guess this does all relate (which I do know). Disconnected to God, hum… that is not necessarily the way I feel. He and I have such an intimate relationship that I don’t usually ever really feel disconnected – but something… I was just talking to some random lady I used to sit across the big sanctuary from at an old church, about how the way I ‘do’ church and interact with God has changed – how that’s not bad but how it’s strange… Without the routine of the past I hear him, interact, and AM with Him differently. Which again isn’t bad but sometimes it just more reassuring to have things ‘the way the were’. I’ve got to believe that these changing things are ‘for the better’ and for deeper more real relationships, but sometimes I just want consistency… I guess it’s like my missing my dad’s hugs. Like my dad was always consistent in my life! I could always get a hug if I wanted one… ALWAYS! But not now… ok, maybe it’s not like that because thats never going to get better…
Oh, what am I writing? I’m ok, just thinking too much, maybe…
